Ups and Downs

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while. It's hard to be so open about such a personal thing, but I feel like I just have to get it out there. I'm a person who needs goals and to be kept accountable which is why I always post my nike+ runs to twitter/facebook. I'm competitive so if I set a goal I  know I have a better chance of getting to it if I make it into a competition or put money on myself (like signing up and paying to run in a race). Or if I know people will see my running pace on facebook, I'll push harder so it's a better pace. So here it goes.

I've never been a skinny girl. That just wasn't me. But I always felt like I was "normal". After Jonathan and I got married, I put on some newlywed weight. That was when I tried and realized I liked running. I also started doing Weight Watchers without actually doing Weight Watchers. I didn't go to meetings or pay to be in WW, but I calculated my points and it worked. I lost 23 lbs! After that weight loss, I maintained that weight for a couple years. That felt like my comfortable zone. I was a size 6 pants/jeans and was happy with that. I felt healthy. I ran multiple times a week and didn't "diet" but I was conscious to eating healthy. I could shop easily within my size and everything was always cute when I tried it on and shopping was FUN!

The month before I was pregnant with Adalyn. 

When we went through infertility I felt like the clomid really made me bloated, but I was still in the same size clothes even if they weren't quite as comfortable. Then I got pregnant with Adalyn and I packed on the weight. I honestly didn't feel like I ate that much, but when I said that to Jonathan he said that I did eat all the time. I honestly don't even know exactly how much weight I gained with her since I stopped paying attention to the scale at the end of my pregnancy and it took me many months afterwards before I even stepped a toe on a scale.  I would say that I gained around 75lbs. {{gasp}}

Adalyn 3 months

I wasn't expecting to be able to wear normal clothes after giving birth, but never expected it to be as hard as it was. I wasn't one who lost weight breastfeeding. Nope. I also hadn't expected that Adalyn would be almost a year old before I could even fit my wedding ring back on. And even then I couldn't wear both at the same time. I could wear either my engagement ring or my band. That's how fat I was and how much I didn't lose. When Adalyn turned 1 I was still 35lbs heavier than pre-baby.

The month Adalyn turned 1 I got knocked up. Ha! I was so worried about getting pregnant while still being so far away from my goal weight. But I couldn't let my own insecurities get in my way of being excited that I was pregnant. I was much more careful during my second pregnancy with how much weight I gained. Again, I honestly couldn't tell you how many lbs I actually gained. I think it's pointless to worry about it at the end because seriously, what can you do? And who really cares if it means that you are growing a healthy baby, right? I would say I gained about 30 lbs give or take a few lbs. Which if you're doing the math, made me end up around the exact same place I was when I had Adalyn.

Cayden 3 months

After Cayden I tried to get back to running and my hip and pelvic pain issues I had during pregnancy started in again. I actually tried (and finished running very slowly) a 5k in the fall and afterwards I couldn't move off the couch for the entire day because I had so much hip/back pain. I went to my physical therapist and she asked me to stop running and focus on some strength core training to build up my sad little internal saggy muscles that didn't know what to do after two back-to-back pregnancies. I worked with her for a few months and little by little she would give her permission for short runs and the small 3k that I ran back in March. Then a few weeks ago she granted me full running permission and I took it and ran with it. {see what I did there??} :)

After running 2 two miles(ish) runs for four weeks I got on the scale and the numbers HAD NOT MOVED! I got so frustrated. I decided I needed to invest in myself. If I pay money to WW, I'd be forced to do it. I talked to Jonathan about it and he asked me to use the free Lose It app that he uses that also tracks food, exercise and has a bar code scanner for food. I told him I would give it one week and then I'd sign up for WW online. I started using Lose It a week ago Monday. I tracked the calories of everything I put into my mouth and I got two runs in during the week. On Friday I weighed myself and had lost 4 lbs! After seeing no results for so long, seeing the scale move that much was amazing! This is my second week using the Lose It app and I've stayed dedicated. I did go over my calorie allotment on Mother's Day but I was still under for the week. I got two good runs in and I got on the scale today and was down another 1.4 lbs. So in two weeks I've lost 5.4 lbs! Old fashion diet and exercise. That's what everything comes back to, right?

I feel like a switch has been flipped. the running really has me in better spirits, less negative and I have more energy. The crappy thing is that I knew I would feel better so I don't know why it took me 9 months! I mean, I could have at least started eating better even when I wasn't able to run. In the back of my mind I knew this which is why I was always beating myself up.

Right now I'm 1.2 lbs away from my pre-Cayden weight. My goal weight that I have given myself is actually 5lbs more than my pre-Adalyn weight just because that was the smallest I have ever been and I gave a lot of time (that I don't have now) to running. When I get to that weight I'll decide if I want to kill those extra 5 lbs. So as of right now I have 31.2 lbs to lose. I'm wearing a size 12 pant (I can squeeze into a 10 but it's not pretty) and I'd like to get back into my old size which means I need to pretty much cut myself in half:) It's going to happen. I'm sick of being overweight and having double chins in pictures. It is on. I'm doing it. And this time I'm not going to get pregnant before I can get to my goal. Jonathan has been such a great motivator and wonderful with keeping the kids so I can get my runs in. (And running along side me pushing the kids sometimes too!) He's my support. He actually persuaded me back in March to run a 5k with him this Saturday. That is actually why I started running more in this past month. I need goals. I'm excited to run it. I know my time won't compare to how fast I used to run a 5k, but I'm just excited to run it and feel good doing it.

Those 3 pictures at the top of this post? Those are my motivation. Those two kids in the last picture? Motivation. My wedding rings that until this past weekend sat in my jewelry box untouched? Motivation. (Just last weekend, I was able to wear my band again and I was so excited.) Along with the entire closet of name brand still in style clothes that are too small for me right now. Yep. Bring it. And because I like being being held accountable, I'll hopefully be checking in with a blog post here or there with weight loss successes!