Friday, May 17, 2013

Ups and Downs

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while. It's hard to be so open about such a personal thing, but I feel like I just have to get it out there. I'm a person who needs goals and to be kept accountable which is why I always post my nike+ runs to twitter/facebook. I'm competitive so if I set a goal I  know I have a better chance of getting to it if I make it into a competition or put money on myself (like signing up and paying to run in a race). Or if I know people will see my running pace on facebook, I'll push harder so it's a better pace. So here it goes.

I've never been a skinny girl. That just wasn't me. But I always felt like I was "normal". After Jonathan and I got married, I put on some newlywed weight. That was when I tried and realized I liked running. I also started doing Weight Watchers without actually doing Weight Watchers. I didn't go to meetings or pay to be in WW, but I calculated my points and it worked. I lost 23 lbs! After that weight loss, I maintained that weight for a couple years. That felt like my comfortable zone. I was a size 6 pants/jeans and was happy with that. I felt healthy. I ran multiple times a week and didn't "diet" but I was conscious to eating healthy. I could shop easily within my size and everything was always cute when I tried it on and shopping was FUN!

The month before I was pregnant with Adalyn. 

When we went through infertility I felt like the clomid really made me bloated, but I was still in the same size clothes even if they weren't quite as comfortable. Then I got pregnant with Adalyn and I packed on the weight. I honestly didn't feel like I ate that much, but when I said that to Jonathan he said that I did eat all the time. I honestly don't even know exactly how much weight I gained with her since I stopped paying attention to the scale at the end of my pregnancy and it took me many months afterwards before I even stepped a toe on a scale.  I would say that I gained around 75lbs. {{gasp}}
Adalyn 3 months

I wasn't expecting to be able to wear normal clothes after giving birth, but never expected it to be as hard as it was. I wasn't one who lost weight breastfeeding. Nope. I also hadn't expected that Adalyn would be almost a year old before I could even fit my wedding ring back on. And even then I couldn't wear both at the same time. I could wear either my engagement ring or my band. That's how fat I was and how much I didn't lose. When Adalyn turned 1 I was still 35lbs heavier than pre-baby.

The month Adalyn turned 1 I got knocked up. Ha! I was so worried about getting pregnant while still being so far away from my goal weight. But I couldn't let my own insecurities get in my way of being excited that I was pregnant. I was much more careful during my second pregnancy with how much weight I gained. Again, I honestly couldn't tell you how many lbs I actually gained. I think it's pointless to worry about it at the end because seriously, what can you do? And who really cares if it means that you are growing a healthy baby, right? I would say I gained about 30 lbs give or take a few lbs. Which if you're doing the math, made me end up around the exact same place I was when I had Adalyn.
Cayden 3 months

After Cayden I tried to get back to running and my hip and pelvic pain issues I had during pregnancy started in again. I actually tried (and finished running very slowly) a 5k in the fall and afterwards I couldn't move off the couch for the entire day because I had so much hip/back pain. I went to my physical therapist and she asked me to stop running and focus on some strength core training to build up my sad little internal saggy muscles that didn't know what to do after two back-to-back pregnancies. I worked with her for a few months and little by little she would give her permission for short runs and the small 3k that I ran back in March. Then a few weeks ago she granted me full running permission and I took it and ran with it. {see what I did there??} :)

After running 2 two miles(ish) runs for four weeks I got on the scale and the numbers HAD NOT MOVED! I got so frustrated. I decided I needed to invest in myself. If I pay money to WW, I'd be forced to do it. I talked to Jonathan about it and he asked me to use the free Lose It app that he uses that also tracks food, exercise and has a bar code scanner for food. I told him I would give it one week and then I'd sign up for WW online. I started using Lose It a week ago Monday. I tracked the calories of everything I put into my mouth and I got two runs in during the week. On Friday I weighed myself and had lost 4 lbs! After seeing no results for so long, seeing the scale move that much was amazing! This is my second week using the Lose It app and I've stayed dedicated. I did go over my calorie allotment on Mother's Day but I was still under for the week. I got two good runs in and I got on the scale today and was down another 1.4 lbs. So in two weeks I've lost 5.4 lbs! Old fashion diet and exercise. That's what everything comes back to, right?

I feel like a switch has been flipped. the running really has me in better spirits, less negative and I have more energy. The crappy thing is that I knew I would feel better so I don't know why it took me 9 months! I mean, I could have at least started eating better even when I wasn't able to run. In the back of my mind I knew this which is why I was always beating myself up.

Right now I'm 1.2 lbs away from my pre-Cayden weight. My goal weight that I have given myself is actually 5lbs more than my pre-Adalyn weight just because that was the smallest I have ever been and I gave a lot of time (that I don't have now) to running. When I get to that weight I'll decide if I want to kill those extra 5 lbs. So as of right now I have 31.2 lbs to lose. I'm wearing a size 12 pant (I can squeeze into a 10 but it's not pretty) and I'd like to get back into my old size which means I need to pretty much cut myself in half:) It's going to happen. I'm sick of being overweight and having double chins in pictures. It is on. I'm doing it. And this time I'm not going to get pregnant before I can get to my goal. Jonathan has been such a great motivator and wonderful with keeping the kids so I can get my runs in. (And running along side me pushing the kids sometimes too!) He's my support. He actually persuaded me back in March to run a 5k with him this Saturday. That is actually why I started running more in this past month. I need goals. I'm excited to run it. I know my time won't compare to how fast I used to run a 5k, but I'm just excited to run it and feel good doing it.
Those 3 pictures at the top of this post? Those are my motivation. Those two kids in the last picture? Motivation. My wedding rings that until this past weekend sat in my jewelry box untouched? Motivation. (Just last weekend, I was able to wear my band again and I was so excited.) Along with the entire closet of name brand still in style clothes that are too small for me right now. Yep. Bring it. And because I like being being held accountable, I'll hopefully be checking in with a blog post here or there with weight loss successes!


Justin and Jessica said...

I am in the exact same boat as you. Hang in there! Having three kids in less than three years and gaining 60 pounds with each pregnancy, I have never felt so insecure about my body. I have 11 pounds to go, but I haven't seen the scale move in 2 months.

We can do this!!! :) Take care, Friend!

Crystal said...

Great post and you are so not alone! We all go through this, except for those weird people that are instantly skinny after giving birth :)I lost almost 20lbs last summer/fall and kept it off during the winter! It took me going to the beach and seeing pictures of how big I looked to do something about it. I was so mad that I didn't start sooner after Macey. I started running and walking every day and watching what I ate...nothing too crazy. I went from a size 12 to an 8 in no time. Now I'm in between an 8 and 6! It's amaizing what losing a few pounds will do to your self esteem! I think you look great now, but good job for having the motivation to make a chance!Have fun in your race on Saturday!

Jonathan said...

So proud of you! I love the change in your attitude and the pep in your step. There will be challenges along the way, but we will get there together.

Party of Five said...

I think you look great. You have two beautiful healthy babies and going through a pregnancy is not easy! Especially when they are back to back. It took me a long time to get back to where I needed to be to be comfortable. Of course that was just when Jacob hit three. Then I got pregnant again and man it is hard work! The thing I keep telling myself is just keep trying. I want to enjoy life, I hate diets, but I also need to be cautious. Good luck and it sounds like you are right on track. You are not alone, trust me.

Lindsy said...

Oh my gosh - tears. Tears because I know how you feel (So.KNOW.HOW.YOU.FEEL). The discouragement, the frustrations, the insecurity - all of it. I've been trying too and it's come with ups and downs but overall I do feel better which in truth has to be something to celebrate regardless of scale and clothes size. Super proud of you for putting this out there and doing it - you can do it....we can do it. We've done it before, right?

Sue said...

I am SO proud of you Abby! I haven't had babies that stretched me out and literally weighed me down but I can relate to how you're feeling. Being almost 50, menopausal with an almost out thyroid has me feeling heavier than I've ever been. I lost 14 pounds in 2011 doing myfitnesspal and Jillian Michaels DVD and gained it all back in 2012 after back to back cruises and laziness. Now, my back is giving me problems and I KNOW I need to get moving.

I will be cheering you on in your goals as I look to you for my own motivation. Maybe we could be "buddies" on Lose It and encourage one another ;-)

You go girl! I know you are on your way!!

Heather said...

That is awesome!! You have a great goal and I'm so impressed at the courage you have to put it out there. Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

Great attitude! I know exactly what it feels like to be there. I ended up gaining about 70 pounds between my miscarriage and pregnancy. I have about 15 more pounds to lose before I was at the weight I was before either pregnancy.

BTW, you look beautiful no matter what size you are. I understand wanting to feel healthier for yourself and your family though and I fully support you! I use the My Fitness Pal app and love it.

I'm the same way about goals and motivations. That's why I have at least two more 5ks scheduled this year: the Color Run in Louisville on 6/8 and the Glo Run in Dayton on 6/22. Go girl!

jenny said...

Great job on your weight loss sucess!!! And thanks for posting about the lose it ap!!! I downloaded it and love it!! (First time commenter)