Thursday, January 6, 2011

I knew it was coming...

From the moment that I read that little stick that said "pregnant", I knew this day was coming but I was in denial.  I just couldn't think about it.  I'm going to be brutally honest here.  You see, back in my younger days when I thought I knew everything, I passed judgment on moms that worked outside of the house.  I mean, how is it responsible to have a child and then allow a daycare to raise the child?  Most of the women I knew quit working when they had their babies and either worked part time or watched kids in their houses.  Something to stay home with their babies.  So I just knew that I would be staying home with my babies.  That wasn't up for discussion.  I didn't want someone else raising them!  When people asked (even in college) what I wanted to do and where I wanted to work.  I could never really answer them.  I never had a "dream" job or a profession I really wanted to be in.  I just knew I wanted to be a mom. period.

Then reality hit and a mortgage payment hit and I realized that it's rare to have the "luxury" of staying home with your baby.  I don't know many people who can do that.  But just because I couldn't afford to stay home with my baby, didn't mean that I didn't long for a baby and a family of my own.  So Jonathan and I made the choice to start trying to get pregnant before we were financially able for me to be able to stay home full time.  It was a conscious decision.  I knew that was the only way. But I was still in denial.

So today (I'm writing this on Wednesday, but posting it Thursday) is my last day home with my baby. And every time I look into that face, I'm a puddle.  She is getting to be so much fun the way that she now interacts with us.  I just can't fathom someone else getting to have those special moments with her. 

There are two things getting me through.  One is that my baby will be in the best care possible (outside of our family).  If we didn't love our sitter so much this would be even harder.  We have gone to the sitter's house two times for Adalyn to get accustomed to her and so that she can observe Adalyn.  And I know she will treat Adalyn like she is her own family.  She says that she already loves her and has a bond that only God can place on her heart.  I know that Adalyn will be in a Godly household and will be taught truths on a daily basis.  I know she will learn and grow and know every Bible song and be well versed in Bible vocabulary before she is 2. haha!  And I know she will be loved.

The other thing that I am thankful for is my job.  If I didn't absolutely love my job and love where I work and believe in what I'm doing, it would be completely impossible for me to leave my baby in exchange for a paycheck.  I do miss my coworkers and being in a routine and socializing with adults and not being in sweatpants all day... well, I'm not sure about that last one!  But I am thankful to God for placing me in this job at my church because when I think about it, if I was still at the bank hating my job there is absolutely no way I could leave my baby!

I'm so thankful for my husband who is such a great support, for our families and our friends.  And I'm thankful to God for putting this perfect bundle into my life and for giving me the strength to be away from her.  And I'm thankful for the 8 weeks that I have gotten to spend home with her (My friend Sue tells me that Canada's maternity leave is 12 months!! I can't even imagine!) One day I hope to work part time or not work outside the house at all.  But for now I'll be at work thinking about Adalyn all day!  I know each day will get easier and I just pray that happens soon because it would be embarrassing to cry at work every day!


Justin and Jessica said...

I will be thinking of you today, and I pray that everything goes smoothly!

I often think about how my girls are being raised outside the home in daycare, and I feel guilty, yet at the same time I know they both LOVE daycare and makes it so much easier! We too are thankful for such wonderful providers who watch our girls. Our girls go to a daycare center, but it is Christian based, and I am so thankful for that.

I am glad you found a sitter that you feel so comfortable with.

Have a great day getting dressed up, getting into a routine, and socializing with your co-workers! They'll be happy to have you back!

Crystal said...

Perfect post! I know exactly how you feel and where you are coming from! If it makes you feel better I only cried on the first day (well until I read your post now and I teared up, HA)! I still hate leaving her and I miss her like crazy but I know I'm doing the right thing for my baby and family...we need my paycheck too. I'm thinking of you today! And it helps me to know I'm not the only one going through this because most of my friends are all stay at home moms. Oh how I wish we lived closer since we are at the same stage with our sweet girls! :)

Lindsay said...

I had to go back to work in October when my baby was eight weeks old. It was the hardest day of my life but everyone said it would get easier. I didn't believe them at the time but can tell you (that for me anyway) that it does get easier. I still miss her like crazy everyday but I always look forward to getting to go and pick her up. Thinking of you today!

Candace said...

God Bless your sweet heart! I have been reading your blog for a while, but just love reading about you and your new baby girl. I will be praying for you as you head back to work. Much love from another momma blogger!