Thursday, January 14, 2010

Am I Normal?

So I know I said that I was working on a post about fun jewelry with a give away... But here's the deal... I need someone else to take the picture of me wearing the earrings and J just wasn't up for it the other night. Maybe soon we will take pics. Until then, you will all have to wait. Sorry:(

This post is going to be "heavier" than I usually post because it's just been on my mind and I have to get it out. I like to keep things light on my blog, but this is also a journal and sometimes you just have to get words out!

My mom has told me my entire life that I put too many expectations on events and things (like my birthday or Christmas) and then I get let down. I always deny this...of course! But Jonathan has told me he has noticed I do this also. I put so much hype into things that when they don't turn out like they are in my mind I get let down. I say that all to say that I don't know if this is the reason I was so upset last night or not. But either way I'm going to share it.

After work yesterday Billie came to the church to meet me to get our 2 mile run in for the day. (It's so nice to run with a running partner! Way more fun than running by myself!) Anyway, after our run we hurried from my office to the other end of the building to the bathroom with showers. We hurried and got our showers. Walked back down to my office (this is at least a quarter of a mile each way in case you were wondering...yes our church is so big my office is that far away from the sanctuary:) LOL) grabbed our stuff, ran {drove} to Subway grabbed dinner and then came back to church for the first night of this years women's Bible study. We were excited to get plugged into a Bible study (we did a study last year too) and meet people our age and get a sense of community along with learning about God and ways that we can be better Christians.

Well we walked in the room the Bible study was held and there were at least 400 women... (not what I consider a Bible study...that's more of a lecture). But it's a good sign that that many women wanted to come out to do the same thing we wanted to do! (There was a men's study happening in another area of the building at the same time with over 600 men which is awesome! J had a great time. It's nice that our studies are on the same night and time.) Back to our study. We walked through the room and there was only ONE table left with 3 seats open (we were meeting a friend)! They hadn't really mentioned what we would be learning when we signed up online and when we got there we learned that we would be studying the Old Testament Covenant. OK, I know that the OT can be applicable and it's good to study it, but let's just be honest here. Old Testament Covenant? How dry can you get? We have some great teachers and speakers, but I don't care how great of a speaker you are... it's hard to spice up and make the OT exciting when we're talking about laws and contracts. Just sayin. I felt like I was back in school learning book knowledge. Then my next thought was "what is wrong with me. If I was a good Christian I would be able to glean useful, applicable info from this whether it's interesting or not. And why isn't it interesting? Am I not mature enough for this?" All of these things were running through my brain as I watched the clock to count down the minutes. "How horrible I am! I'm even on staff at the church. I should be learning and enjoying this. Are people going to think I'm less of a Christian that I'm bored to death learning this stuff?"

I talked with my two girlfriends that were there and they both were thinking the exact same thing as me, which made me feel better. One of my friends mentioned that we should get a DVD or book study and meet with our group of girls instead of going back to this study and at least we'd be in the Word and learning something that we can use.

I went home and told Jonathan all about it and went to sleep thinking about it. And you know what? I woke up feeling like there must be something wrong with me. So of course I did what any girl does... I called my mom on my way to work to talk to her about it. She assured me that she has been through some Bible studies where you feel like you're just going through the motions. Maybe this just isn't the study for me at this time in my life. She agreed that we should try a Beth Moore DVD and said she's sure we would relate to it. That made me feel better.

Here's the thing that is weighing on my heart... If I have grown up in the church, went to a Christian school, a Christian college and now work for a church and the info in this Bible study was too heavy for me, what about the other people in the room. In a group that large and with how our church is so focused on outreach, you have to know that there are many "baby" Christians in that room. Did they walk away from that room with the same inadequate feelings I did? This worries me. I have a support system that I could obviously call on to tell me that I'm not crazy. But what about the other girls.

I'm all about doing a Bible study with my 3 girlfriends, but I was really hoping for a Bible study where we could meet new people and add to our community. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it all.

Did I just put too much hype into what this Bible study would do for me instead of praying about how I will grow from it? Should I talk to the people in that department about how I feel since I would assume that there would be others who feel the same way (even though that is scary since I work with these people)? This is what's been weighing on my heart all day and I just had to get it out there. Either way, I'm not sure what I will be doing next Wednesday night...

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