Sometimes Life Isn't Fair

A couple weeks ago I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep.  (This is really unusual for me since I usually fall asleep when my head hits the pillow.)  But I was thinking and my mind was running.  I was thinking about something I haven't ever talked on this blog about.  I was thinking that it is such a huge part of my thoughts and feelings, so I feel like I need to write about it just to get it out of me.  After reading other girls' posts on this subject, I realize that maybe if I wrote about our struggles, it might help someone else. 

Here it goes...  Jonathan and I have been trying to conceive since June of 2008.  We tried the natural route.  I stopped consuming caffeine and we tried to do everything by the "natural" books.  But it just didn't work.  When Jonathan lost his job, obviously our plans were put on hold.  Once he got a job again, we said that must have been God's plan to not allow us to get pregnant since he knew that we would be on one income for a few months and it would be stressful to do that pregnant.  Well, as time wore on we realized that it obviously wasn't in God's timing yet.

I went into my doctor August 2009 and she said we had a few options to things we could do and to bring my husband back so we could talk.  We both went back for an appointment where they did an ultrasound to make sure that my organs were all good.  Well, by the time we saw my Dr. and she had looked at the ultrasound she said there were no options to talk about because I needed to have a laparoscopy (surgery) to remove a cyst and most likely some endometriosis.  We were shocked and taken aback, but we asked how soon.  She literally got us in the next week for surgery.  Sure enough she found a cyst larger than what she had expected and also endometriosis.  The good part about having the surgery was that she was able to do a procedure to run dye through my tubes to make sure they are clear.  Had this not been part of the surgery it would have been "option #2" and would have been really expensive since insurance doesn't cover it for infertility.  Since it was part of the surgery it was covered.  So we were thankful.  My Dr. said she got everything and thought things would work out and that maybe this had been causing our infertility problems.

A few months later, we still had no luck.  She put me on Clomid and after two months there was nothing.  She added Estradiol and Projesterone for the next two months.  Guess what?  After that fourth month?  We were pregnant!  (3 at home pregnancy tests worth...I made Jonathan go to the store to buy another brand because I didn't believe it.)  We found out 3 days before the day I left for San Antonio and also had an offer put in on our in on our house!  There was so much excitement all at once.  We thought that this was God's plan.  He knew that we would move and we would be all ready to have a baby.  That's when I decided not to post about our infertility problems.  Hey, we didn't have infertility problems anymore so why write about them.

Except I went to my doctor last week to hear the heartbeat and there was no baby on the ultrasound.  There was a baby the week before when we were there.  Not this time though.  It's amazing how 7 weeks pregnant you are already so attached to your baby.  Thinking about people who have late term miscarriages, I don't know how they do it.

So once the miscarriage finally happens in my body or I have a DNC (whichever is first), we will take a couple months and then start all over on the medications.

Ok God, I'm being stretched again and it hurts.  It hurts really bad.  Can we be done with the learning and stretching yet?  Have I learned enough lessons this year?

I just read this on a friend's facebook status and thought it was fitting.  "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.  The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."