Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sometimes Life Isn't Fair

A couple weeks ago I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep.  (This is really unusual for me since I usually fall asleep when my head hits the pillow.)  But I was thinking and my mind was running.  I was thinking about something I haven't ever talked on this blog about.  I was thinking that it is such a huge part of my thoughts and feelings, so I feel like I need to write about it just to get it out of me.  After reading other girls' posts on this subject, I realize that maybe if I wrote about our struggles, it might help someone else. 

Here it goes...  Jonathan and I have been trying to conceive since June of 2008.  We tried the natural route.  I stopped consuming caffeine and we tried to do everything by the "natural" books.  But it just didn't work.  When Jonathan lost his job, obviously our plans were put on hold.  Once he got a job again, we said that must have been God's plan to not allow us to get pregnant since he knew that we would be on one income for a few months and it would be stressful to do that pregnant.  Well, as time wore on we realized that it obviously wasn't in God's timing yet.

I went into my doctor August 2009 and she said we had a few options to things we could do and to bring my husband back so we could talk.  We both went back for an appointment where they did an ultrasound to make sure that my organs were all good.  Well, by the time we saw my Dr. and she had looked at the ultrasound she said there were no options to talk about because I needed to have a laparoscopy (surgery) to remove a cyst and most likely some endometriosis.  We were shocked and taken aback, but we asked how soon.  She literally got us in the next week for surgery.  Sure enough she found a cyst larger than what she had expected and also endometriosis.  The good part about having the surgery was that she was able to do a procedure to run dye through my tubes to make sure they are clear.  Had this not been part of the surgery it would have been "option #2" and would have been really expensive since insurance doesn't cover it for infertility.  Since it was part of the surgery it was covered.  So we were thankful.  My Dr. said she got everything and thought things would work out and that maybe this had been causing our infertility problems.

A few months later, we still had no luck.  She put me on Clomid and after two months there was nothing.  She added Estradiol and Projesterone for the next two months.  Guess what?  After that fourth month?  We were pregnant!  (3 at home pregnancy tests worth...I made Jonathan go to the store to buy another brand because I didn't believe it.)  We found out 3 days before the day I left for San Antonio and also had an offer put in on our in on our house!  There was so much excitement all at once.  We thought that this was God's plan.  He knew that we would move and we would be all ready to have a baby.  That's when I decided not to post about our infertility problems.  Hey, we didn't have infertility problems anymore so why write about them.

Except I went to my doctor last week to hear the heartbeat and there was no baby on the ultrasound.  There was a baby the week before when we were there.  Not this time though.  It's amazing how 7 weeks pregnant you are already so attached to your baby.  Thinking about people who have late term miscarriages, I don't know how they do it.

So once the miscarriage finally happens in my body or I have a DNC (whichever is first), we will take a couple months and then start all over on the medications.

Ok God, I'm being stretched again and it hurts.  It hurts really bad.  Can we be done with the learning and stretching yet?  Have I learned enough lessons this year?

I just read this on a friend's facebook status and thought it was fitting.  "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.  The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."


Janine said...

Abby, I cannot imagine how you must feel right now. I know what you guys went through to conceive and I know the heartache involved in that. I want you to know that you have a friend in this, who has been down the road you have been down even if there are other paths that I have yet been forced to explore. You are aware that there are biological reasons for what has happened, this doesn't need to be explained and I know it doesn't make it better, but God has His own reasons. Keep your chin up, press on. God will provide you and Jonathan with the family you desperately want and deserve. I am praying for the both of you, that you can focus on the future and the excitement that is too be. It will happen for you. Please, call me if you ever need anything at all.

Laurie Mulvey said...

Dear Abby--
I just read your blog and my heart goes out to you for the struggle and the loss that you are enduring. I have been in the midst of my own "dark night" recently and I know how FAITH is the only thing that matters--and yet it is the most difficult to conjure sometimes. My prayer is that you will feel that you are walking in the light of the Great Spirit and that you will feel comforted by the love that surrounds you.
With love and support and faith in gentle landings,
"Aunt" Laurie

Justin and Jessica said...

I am so sorry to hear this. The other day you were on my mind a lot, and I was going to drop you an email. I prayed for you a lot that day, and I am sorry that I did not write. I guess God had touched my heart and knew you were in need of prayers. I will continue to pray for you and J. Take care of yourself.

Lindsy said...

Unfortunately there just isn't a "right" thing to say in these circumstances. Know that there are lots of people praying for you - friends, family and people you probably don't even know are praying for you too. I know our God can do big things and even this isn't too big for him. We are here every step of the way to listen, pray, hug you when you need it and just love y'all to pieces! I am glad you put it out there - I think there will be reward in that sister.

The Vallieres Family said...

Oh Abby, my heart aches for you both. It's all too familiar to me, but I know from experience hearing that doesn't make it better. It feels as though you will never be "better" right now, but I promise, time and God will heal your hurting inside. I had an AWESOME fertility doctor in Lexington that brought us Adelle after 2 cycles of IVF, (1 of which we miscarried). Let me know if you want his name or if you just want to talk sometime I am always willing to talk with anyone struggling with fertility issues. Love you guys!

Lisa said...

Abby, I'm so glad you decided to "come out" on your blog about your infertility struggles. Blogging about our journey has helped in so so many ways, including meeting you! Like you said on my blog we all have a special bond because we understand the feelings/emotions associated with infertility. It is different talking to someone who has been there/done that than someone who is just trying to empathize and understand my situation. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and will be praying for you as you grieve this loss.

Marlene said...

Sending hugs and prayers to you and Jonathan. You two are very loved by so many and we will be praying during this difficult loss.

"May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May He send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. May He remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all your requests." (Ps. 20:1-5)

Jess :) said...

Oh Abby...I am sending you a HUGE HUG through the computer right now. THANK YOU for opening up about this. I konw that this can't be easy for you, but I'm so glad that I can start praying for you and J about this. And I MOST DEFINITELY will. :)

Please let me know if there is anything else I can do or if you need anything. I have a friend who has gone through some of this and you may or may not already read her blog, but her name is Kami at My Beautiful Day!!! :) She is an absolute sweetheart (just like you) and I'm sure she would gladly chat with you if you ever felt you wanted or needed someone else to share with.

Again, you will be in my prayers.

Katie Kermeen Swisher said...

Oh Abby...I am so sorry. I know that doesn't make you feel better, but know that I am SO SORRY.

Matt and I are in the same boat. We have been trying to start a family since 2004. In those 5-6 years, I have done Clomid twice (for 8 months combined), charted my cycle and temperature for 6 months, changed my diet to cut out fertility busting foods, and prayed more prayers and cried more tears than I care to remember. We surprised ourselves by getting pregnant last summer, only to lose the baby to miscarriage in our 12th week. I have not experienced such searing loss in my whole life.

I don't think we'll ever know or understand why certain couples go through this, when others seem to have babies so easily. It seems so unfair.

Remember that God is faithful, even when we don't understand. I will be praying for you both and for the baby that will call you guys Mommy and Daddy someday...

Sue said...

Oh Abby... my heart is sooooo sad for you & J :-( I know how much you've been hoping/praying for this exciting news and then to have this disappointment and loss. Wish I could be by you to give you the biggest hug! :-(

I remember feeling that roller coaster of elation and disappointment after our 3rd artificial insemination and first (only) positive test. Two days after the positive, my bloodwork showed we'd lost it. The doctor said there had been no sac and called it a blighted ovum. We too were devastated.

My heart aches for the pain you are in but I know that God's love and comfort is sufficient to hold all our tears. He knows your disappointment and pain and He IS faithful! He is GOOD... even when it doesn't "feel" like it.

Know that I'm here for you if you need me and I will definitely be continuing to pray for you and Jonathan. I'm so so sorry for your loss Sweetie... and so sorry you're going through more stretching :-( I know it won't be in vain. Hugs and Love xo